I have been met, again, with feelings of anger.
I am challenging myself to confront my emotions, and then to allow myself to experience them in constructive ways. Anger, though…it’s a toughie.
I feel so used to sadness; for that reason it seems easier to process. I have spent such a large portion of my life feeling despair that it feels very much a part of me. I know that when I cry, I tend to feel release…but not about this. Not about him.
When someone you care about takes their own life, it seems as though there is never really relief from the void you were left with.
I’m hardly sure of anything; after all, the wisest insist we know nothing, but…there are times where I can’t deny that he’s there, in one form or another…occurrences that can’t simply be coincidence. He did state in his last words that he would be cheering us on from the sidelines, so…
…is that what’s happening, or is my mind simply doing its best to cope with tragedy? Could it be both, or am I losing touch with reality? Whatever that may be…
I knew this anger would return.
Last year, all I could imagine was chopping down trees and screaming…which is incredibly against my nature (pun intended).
I refused it…and eventually, it faded from view…but never left.
Now it needs to go. I can’t carry it. It’s too volatile, and the accompanying sadness is far too heavy.
I realise that the void will remain and the emotions will ebb and flow…and that when they appear, I need to be prepared. I intend to channel these feelings of anger into intentional movement and to keep turning my sadness into art.
Of course, my life isn’t all sadness and anger. I have so much joy and love; more than I had ever previously known. My family fills me with adoration. I feel blessed and thankful, regularly. I am fighting for life, but it is invigorating! I am ambitious, and while depression robs me of this at times, I have come to accept that this is currently an obstacle and that it’s okay to find that difficult and frustrating. I’ve been through what feels very much like hell and now I’m able to see out of that darkness into the light for what feels like the first time. I’m still alive, and while at times I wish the opposite, that wish is far less frequent or intense. I feel fortunate to be able to fight another day more often than I ever have.
I’m not cured, but I’m improved. I’ll take that and run with it.
Ride that spiral!
Peace and love from my hippy-dippy heart to yours.