Just Like Waves

I won’t dance around it; I’m done dancing (when it’s not for joy).

I am feeling alone.

Not lonely – I am blessed with friends, both close and distant. I am literally and figuratively surrounded by caring family members aplenty. I share my space with loving animal companions who shower me with more affection than I figure I deserve.

So why do I feel empty inside?

Let’s explore that, shall we? After all, I said I’m done with this “dance of denial”.

Thoughts:

Defective, damaged TRASH.

My default setting, it feels like.

Stupid, good-for-nothing. Failure.

Forgettable. Unlovable. Disabled.

Strange. Outlier. Worthless.

Gross. Deformed. Ugly.

An overall burden.

Better off dead.

And the mood has re-submerged before I could even finish this post.
Such is life when you’re rockin’ one or more mood disorders.

However, just because these emotions come and go quickly does not make them trivial. The other side can be just as intense. Sometimes, you end up spending credit on a vacation you can’t afford or even spare the time from work for (yep, that happened)…and/or become this foreign, extroverted and painfully social being. Which always ends in overexertion and extended periods of sadness.

I did not have secure attachments during my formative years.
While developing, I learned that the world is not a safe place.
If I wasn’t worthy of affection then, why would I be now?
Surely, there must be something wrong with me.
Even now, it is common knowledge that I am weird…even among friends and family.
At times this is verbally communicated, but mostly…I feel it.
Deeply.
So much so. I haven’t managed to shake it or incorporate it.
The high times are fleeting and superficial. I am familiar with the cycle.
The lows that follow feel all-consuming.
It’s a miracle that I’m still alive.
In fact, it’s likely the medication…doing it’s thing. The Great Regulator.
I was fortunate that I found a chemical compound that works well for me.
Others are not so lucky.

I am basically a large infant poorly disguised as an adult; struggling to understand and control her emotions and searching for safety.

The difficulty here is that through experience, I have not only learned that the world is not safe but also that no one is trustworthy.

If they were, how could I have spent 29 years being so terrified with no one to assuage my fears?

…back into the low we go…

I absolutely must learn to trust myself before I am able to trust anyone else.
It is necessary for me to parent myself. To calm that frightened infant within.
It’s awfully hard to do when I am so inconsistent.

I’m lost, but I’m learning to take advantage of the good days and be compassionate with myself on the not-so-good.

pexels-photo-94743

Life ain’t easy when you’re the deep as the ocean.

sig
This is not a cry for attention.
I am not in crisis. This is the norm for me, sometimes several times a day.
Please do not allow this to inspire guilt in you if you know me.
This is an honest representation of my mood cycle. My aim is to be as transparent as possible. If posts like these become too frequent/intense, I welcome your concern.

Also: upbeat & meaningful music really helped me through this particular cycle. I practice gratitude often, as well, so that my blessings are easily accessible to me in my mind.

 

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