It has been quite some time since my last post…
…in which I stated that I have no friends.
While I did question this statement – even as I was typing it all those weeks ago – the crushing feeling that this was the absolute truth managed to override any thoughts that this could be in any way inaccurate…
…and that is just how tricky and deceptive mental illness can be.
So first, I would like to make amends to any of my friends who may have read that and felt slighted. I am very sorry. I was blinded by depression…
…which I have recently been emerging from. And what a wild ride it has been.
As an individual struggling with Bipolar & BPD, I am accustomed to intense ups and downs. Accustomed is admittedly a poor choice for a word to use in this case…you never do quite get used to it. The level of intensity is always a surprise because you can’t seem to remember the last cycle. Or much of anything, really. The fog of depression is thick, and terribly dense…and the elation of mania is all-consuming, leaving little room for logic. The moments in-between are rare and fleeting.
Within the time since my last entry, I hit a low that I was nearly unable to escape.
My husband found me attempting to take my life and intervened.
For this I am now thankful, but at the time all I could think about was bringing an end to the anguish I was feeling. Nothing else mattered, and in fact – I felt that everyone would be better off without me because of the pain I have caused as a result of the pain I have been experiencing. It felt as though I was no longer able to contain the slurry of emotions which managed to evolve into a whirlwind that upended the lives of everyone around me.
This is not the first time I have ever felt this way, but I do hope it is the last.
I’m not saying that this is always the best solution, but my medication has since been increased and my treatment has expanded. My anti-depressants are now accompanied by a mood stabilizer, and along with this I have been using cannabis in several forms (including orally and topically).
Probably most importantly I have rediscovered my passion for incorporating yoga/exercise and healthy eating into my life. I must admit that I had fallen off the bandwagon in a big way, but it hasn’t been overly difficult to haul myself back up again.
Not only this, but I have started actively doing “shadow work”. I will likely post more on this in the future.
In any case, I feel transformed. And I am consistently excited for further transformation. I have rediscovered a zest for life that I don’t think I have ever experienced. It could just be another period of mania, but I choose to remain optimistic this time around. It feels far more genuine.
I’m glad to be here, folks.
What are you grateful for today?